Did You Know That Einstein Used Bible Codes To Prove Dinosaurs Drilled Into Hell To Steal Nasa’s Missing Day?

I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M’s (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is „MM” in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there’s no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC).
Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said „Call 911!” but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled „Join the crew!”
He knew it wasn’t a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It’s true – I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy’s expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, „Welcome to the world of AIDS.”
Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital – the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x’s and o’s in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for only 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).
So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.
Send THIS to all the friends who send you their mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms — if you don’t, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.
I know this is all true ’cause I read it on the Internet.

18 Comments

  1. Death? wrote
    at 2:42 - 21st Styczeń 2010 Permalink

    I think I just died a little inside.
    No, no.
    A lot, inside.

  2. Rick in the Santa hat wrote
    at 7:02 - 21st Styczeń 2010 Permalink

    You didn’t put in anything about backmasking or baby dolls that say things like „Islam is the light”. :(

  3. Eloy G wrote
    at 8:19 - 21st Styczeń 2010 Permalink

    That was a adventure! WOOOW!

  4. . wrote
    at 10:48 - 21st Styczeń 2010 Permalink

    I just blew a fuse luckily.
    Bwain overload is the curse of the retired classes.

  5. zazugrey wrote
    at 14:00 - 21st Styczeń 2010 Permalink

    Is there a Best Question Ever Award for Y!A, cos you are SO nominated!

  6. beyoutif wrote
    at 16:49 - 21st Styczeń 2010 Permalink

    i honestly have no idea what your talking about here, but it was amusing..

  7. Rev. Iason Ouabache wrote
    at 17:32 - 21st Styczeń 2010 Permalink

    Oh my god! I can see the fnords now!!!

  8. You're Not Supposed to Think wrote
    at 23:29 - 21st Styczeń 2010 Permalink

    I KNEW I could trust the internet!

  9. moretoo wrote
    at 3:18 - 22nd Styczeń 2010 Permalink

    No, I didnt know that

  10. q answers wrote
    at 4:00 - 22nd Styczeń 2010 Permalink

    you have too much time in our hands

  11. candy apple wrote
    at 4:34 - 22nd Styczeń 2010 Permalink

    Yes, yes, I too know this is all true ’cause I read it on the Internet.

  12. Geezah wrote
    at 4:39 - 22nd Styczeń 2010 Permalink

    Sorry, I’m busy right now removing this steel hook from my car’s passenger-side window.
    But yes, I’ll forward the message as soon as I’m done drying my poodle in the microwave.
    Now where did I put those Poprocks and soda…

  13. c_r_y_p_ wrote
    at 6:34 - 22nd Styczeń 2010 Permalink

    GREAT, JUST GREAT!!! Another NASA cover up that we have to live with. And to think M&M’s were involved in all this. The world is becoming normal…. finally….

  14. irkd wrote
    at 12:27 - 22nd Styczeń 2010 Permalink

    Yes, and I also know that on 12/21/12 the Anti-christ Barack Obama will tell me why atheists (or is it athiest…) are in the Religion section.
    The InterWebNet is a series of tubes…

  15. Amalthea wrote
    at 16:43 - 22nd Styczeń 2010 Permalink

    According to the internet this week I won the Nigerian Lottery and a wealthy widow dying in London wants to entrust me with her entire fortune ($28 million) to use for good works. It was in my email. Aren’t I a lucky girl?

  16. Laura [tangerine atheati] wrote
    at 17:44 - 22nd Styczeń 2010 Permalink

    Oh, that is so not true!
    We all know the dinosaurs were secret minions of Satan and on NASA’s missing day they flew around the whole world in a sleigh and left their bones everywhere to trick people into accepting evolution.
    The rat in the KFC was merely trying to spread the truth but it was cooked alive, and now anyone who looks at rats while eating chicken will have bad luck for 700 years.
    Well one day Bill Gates ate some as a rat was running across the floor, which is why Vista crashed, so the people at Proctor and Gamble accidently added Sodium Laureth Sulfate to the shampoo because their computers exploded and they lost the 10 secret herbs and spices which were SUPPOSED to go into the shampoo.
    And THAT’S why we eat babby on Christmas.

  17. Instant Star Just Add Coffee wrote
    at 23:42 - 22nd Styczeń 2010 Permalink

    Seriously? I know that kid. He’s my aunt’s, sisters,grandfather’s, second brother-in-law’s, long lost mother’s boyfriend. He lives down the road from me, and he told me if I didn’t tell at least 15 people he’d hide under my bed and kill me in my sleep. Go figure.

  18. allmadde wrote
    at 3:49 - 23rd Styczeń 2010 Permalink

    FAIL

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